Electric Ladyland

Sick day

Doing slightly better even though I've been feeling ill as a result of what I guess is light food poisoning.  Went to the Mets game last night with Mom -- got free tickets from a friend -- and we had a great time (someone else did not, unfortunately... we were glad we walked down the ramp...).  That lightened the mood.  Baseball never fails to improve my state of mind.  That is, unless it's, say, the 2003 ALCS.  Actually, as I'm writing this the Yanks have just taken a 13-9 15-9 lead over my beloved Sox.  Not so mood-improving.  But I digress.  And besides, I have this to chuckle about.

Spent a good portion of my sick day sleeping and watching TV on my MacBook Pro:  episodes of John Adams, Atsu-hime and Karei naru ichizoku.  After having watched more Japanese historical dramas than most Americans I've been yearning for the opportunity to watch a few reflecting the history of my own country.  I'm disappointed that John Adams is just a miniseries because it's a thoroughly fascinating look at our American heritage and the people who made the country we take for granted a reality.  They were similar to us yet not the same.  I find the accents particularly intriguing.  They reflect the fact that the Americans of that time were really British Americans in the process of separating politically and culturally from the mother empire.  200 years later the differences are more pronounced, of course, and our country has gone on to write its own distinct history -- severely tarnished of late but one that can be rehabilitated in the near future, I hope.

A wobbly path

I had an extraordinary month in March, off the chart.  I was everywhere:  doing webinars, rolling out a new security policy, leading a group of my peers at a tech conference, being a panelist at a women's teleconference, running an afterparty for said teleconference, and also giving what my boss called a "kickass" presentation on my department to my board committee.  Also partied like a rock star in New Orleans amidst some of this (see earlier post).  It was an exciting four weeks, if exhausting.

Now here we are in April and I finally have time to come down from all this high-octane go-go-go living.  I'm trying to be good to myself and rest well and I think I'm doing a fairly good job at that, having spent a quiet weekend at home reading short stories, watching baseball and napping a lot.  However, the mom stuff has come back in full force and I am having an awful, awful time with it.  Burst into tears at the slightest provocation (or even no provocation) awful. 

What's worse, everyone around me seems to be having family health problems to boot.  Even my roommate had to suddenly jet home to North Carolina this weekend because her grandmother is passing away.  Even Dan Savage's mom passed away last week.  He summed it up with a quote from his mom before she died: "Shit."

Mom says she's been waking up in the mornings and thinking something similar:  "Fuck."  Because this is not going away.  This is forever. 

I don't know what to do with myself.  I've opened up to friends and family and I don't feel any better.  Maybe it's ridiculous to expect that I could feel any better this soon.  I am so furious at the hospital and the way various staff there have treated her that it's hard to contain my anger.  Mom's been slowly sharing stories with me that she never did before and they cast the whole situation in a new, worse light.  Rage doesn't cover what I'm feeling.  There aren't any words that can. 

I just want to cry.  And I think I'm going to be crying for a good long while now.

I think that's where I'm at for the moment.

I even got approached by a culty Christian-y sect while trying to enjoy the apple blossoms by Central Park this evening.    I wanted nothing more to sit in my church -- the natural world -- and be healed by it but instead I got quoted Bible passages.  That really wasn't what I was going for.  I think that attempt to find solace ended up being a do-over.

On the positive side, I haven't been rickrolled yet.  Don't get any ideas.

Also, as I was walking down my block on this lovely spring evening it occurred to me how many of my friends have been absolute angels to me since this whole ordeal began.  As I said a while back, they taught me a lot about love.  They're still being incredibly loving and supportive even now and I'm so lucky to have them in my life. 

My family too.  Mom and I were talking earlier tonight about how lucky we are to have this bond to support us now.  I can hardly imagine what it would be like had we been estranged.  Little surprise, then, that when I think of the silver lining or the ray of sunshine to come I think about spending time with my family.  This year I want to spend my vacation time catching up with them.  Mom and I are talking about a trip to visit our family in Texas within the next few months.  I haven't been there since I went down to attend my cousin's wedding at age 16 and I know Arlington has changed massively in the intervening years.  It would be great to reconnect with my relatives there.

Dad and I have also tentatively booked the time we're going to be spending at the family ranch in California this summer.  We're going to arrive several days before the reunion this time and, what's better, two fishing rods will be waiting for us.  It'll be about a week in all that we'll be in that very special place together enjoying the silence and the togetherness.  There's no place quite like the ranch and fortunately work will not be getting in the way like it did the last time I went out west.  It'll be me, Dad and the fish.  I couldn't think of anything more perfect.

So I guess the right approach is just to give this pain some room.   It's already taken up residence as it is.  Maybe if I accept it rather than battle against it, integrate it into my life rather than trying to submerge it, then over time it will lessen just a bit.  And with enough healing days to balance it the painful ones I'll begin to feel more myself.